This past year has brought a lot of ups and downs. It was a good year for the most part. I have nothing to complain about. Life is good. The ole’ Cubbies even won the World Series…..who saw that coming? I mean, let’s face it I do have some of my Uncle’s blood rooting for those Cubs. You hope, you do..but you never speak of it. But hey, now one can speak about it and pray that the Goat Curse is FINALLY over!

Then there’s that presidential election. Still  very very puzzled by the outcome of that, but I’m not here to discuss that nonsense. My own life experienced a ton of ups and downs and sadly it all relates back to my ability to have children. Yes, I’ve got my fiddle and I intend to play it and eat cheese while I do it.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 😉

This entire year, I refrained from fertility treatments. NONE. Up until June, it seemed to be a monthly debate. In June, I decided this is just ridiculous. Enjoy your life Liv and stop worrying about if your kid has a sibling. You got one, don’t stress over another one! So,I did that. Or so I tried. It was hard, because a lot of close friends were announcing their second and third pregnancies. Once that wave of announcements was over, I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful I made it through. The babies came and they are precious and beautiful and truly are little angels sent from above. They are blessed to be here with their wonderful mothers.

In June, I got busy. I delved into everything and anything I could occupy my time with. Mallie and I had lots of Pool days. I hiked some. I spent some days attempting to write again. I cleaned our house- A LOT.  I redecorated. I pondered on starting a side business. When the days started to get cooler and all the outside activities were gone, I was faced with the reality that all those distractions did not cover up our empty bedroom at the top of the stairs.

Why does that bedroom bother me? It’s filled with a beautiful bed, my Mawmaw’s hope chest and pictures on the wall. It even has handmade quilts from my Mother-In Law and my Grandmother Scott. It’s a lovely room and has a nice view. It’s filled often with family and friends that come to visit.

I had hoped by now, it would have a crib and a fresh new baby would be occupying my time in that room. Don’t get me wrong- I LOVE MY MALLIE. She is what makes our world revolve, but I so so wanted a sibling for her.

She needed a brother or a sister. She needed someone to attempt to suffocate her with pillows, aggravate her to death on road trips, and pick on her for having her first boyfriend. She needed a support system when I get old and grumpy or when her father and I are long gone from this world.

So ended the pregnancy announcements in 2016 and those babies came. Now, with the fresh new year, I’ve been faced with a few more. It’s cold now. I can’t get outside and hike to the top of a mountain to be refreshed by bigger views than my own. Some days, the spare bedroom looms like a dark cloud. As crazy as it sounds, I’ve shut the door going into it. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing little giraffes on the wall or diapers piled on a dresser.

Am I dramatic? Yes, I’ve been told that I am by tons of people, so maybe I am. I own being dramatic and I’m really fine with that. I’m dramatic over spare bedrooms. I’m dramatic for more children. I’m dramatic for the constant yearning of motherhood. I’m dramatic for my current 4 year old; wanting her to grow and learn all she can and love this life to the fullest. I’m dramatic over dance recitals and soccer games and the first days of school. I’m dramatic over her birthday and vacations. I’m dramatic when she says,  “Momma will you snuggle with me on the couch…?”so I can drop everything I’m doing to snuggle. I’m dramatic when I’m told I’m not doing the mother thing right. I’m dramatic about our parenting styles, because I pray everyday I’m not screwing it up.

Recently, Mallie has been asking for a baby. I joke with her and tell her, “Baby ( we call her Baby a lot), you are going to have to settle for a puppy, because that’s just not going to happen….” It’s become a weekly or daily question in the morning. One day not long ago, before Christmas, she was sitting on the bench in the garage and she asked that same question. I said very seriously  “Mallie, it will be a miracle if you get a baby brother or sister. A miracle is something you don’t think is going to happen, ever. Then by a miracle it just does. You can’t  explain how or why it happened. It just happens. You are our special miracle. Do you know how special you are? Mommy and Daddy and lots of other people had to pray and pray and pray and pray to get you here. Doctors worked really hard to help Mommy….and then you just came. Just like that you came by way of a miracle. I just can’t ask Heavenly Father for another miracle like that. I’m sorry.”

Her big ole’ blue eyes just looked up and said, “Momma, I luwvew you. I will pray for a mwiracle.”

I wasn’t sure how to answer. I’m sure my eyes did most of talking. I gave her a big hug and I said  “Sure, but either way, I’m sure glad we got you….” She hasen’t asked me since, but I hear her playing and saying she’s got a baby sister coming by way of a “mwiracle.”

I have a hard time doing simple things. Like Church. So, feel free to judge my next comment if you are a weekly church goer. No offense taken. I also consider myself a weekly church goer, but what I’m saying is, it’s not been easy.

Church is hard, because it’s filled with babies and questions. It makes me question myself. Am I truly measuring up as an individual and as a mother? Sometimes it is just too much to think about all that. I am not going to say I am measuring up, because I am not. I am human. I do what I can do. I am what I am.

According to some, I am not a good mother, because I am working outside the home. According to myself, I’m fair, but I try for better everyday. According to some family members, I could use some work in a lot of areas. Mostly, these opinions do not bother me. The opinion of God is how I see myself best.  According to God, he sees my heart inside and I know this.  He knows I’m trying everyday. He sees my tears when nobody else does. He knows my worries. He sees me day in and day out. He hears my silent prayers. He knows that church sometimes is just too hard for me and comforts me when I find myself holding back the tears during a meeting. No judgment, but rather he sends his all encompasing love.

I’m not sure if God and I are on the same page yet about the kid thing.  We’ve talked a lot. Honestly, I’m not really even concerned about that. I do not know what the future holds. I could have five kids coming, a big pay raise, maybe a boat?? Or lake house??  or just win the lottery. Kidding. I don’t even play the lottery, maybe I should take that up.  😭😭😉😉

However, I do know, that even when that spare bedroom looms at me, he comforts me. He finds me and he lets me know that he will always love me. He doesn’t care if I’ve been in a church pew during the week or not. If he did, he would not be so eager to provide the comfort. He would not be so eager to send a friend my way at the exact moment I need it. Or sent someone a thought to leave random flowers in my car. He wouldn’t be so eager to provide for my family in health, in jobs, and in strength. He would not provide the mountains, the rainbows or beautiful butterflies as signs of hope for my little eyes. He would not have given me my sweet Daddy or given me the opportunity to marry the man I did. He wouldn’t be so eager to place in my path a note from long ago, from my mother to a friend telling her how much she loved her daughter and son.

Life is hard. Spare Bedrooms, it’s just dramatic right?😉 Rainbows and sweet girls like our Mallie, are my gentle reminders to keep moving forward. So, I’m still super happy the Cubbies won. I’m super excited that tonight I am snuggled on the couch with our sweet Mallie. I’m pretty grateful for my family and friends, because I know they are always looking out for me. I’m thankful for my God and his everlasting comfort and love. These are things that keep me keeping on. I’m done with the fiddle, still eating that cheese though 😉.

So, 2017….come what may. I’m ready and I’ll take whatever you got coming at me. I may not like it or I may love it, or I may say  “eh, that is all you got?….” Come what may, and I will love it. Or at least learn to love it.😊😊

butterflies

Liv

4 thoughts on “The Spare.

  1. Olivia, I love your writings. They are directly from the heart. I didn’t have to deal with fertility issues but I understand that sometimes church is a tough thing. I’m going to go ahead and put this out there. I haven’t told too many people so here goes internet. Chris and Natalie left the church about a year ago. They did so deliberately because of some conflicts in how they perceived church policy. I’m sure they had other reasons too. I remember so well the day that Christopher went to the temple – he came to Kentucky and we took him to the Louisville temple. I remember standing in the celestial room thinking “I’ve made it. This is all I’ve ever wanted.” Chris and Natalie were married in the DC temple. All I’ve ever wanted is to have my family forever. This is a period in my life when my mind tells me one thing and my heart just won’t agree with it. My heart is broken. I still love them both and I’m proud of the people they are. But, I struggle each Sunday that I sit in the New River Ward because I see Christopher there. I see him passing Sacrament. I see him going to Boy Scouts. I see him sleeping through seminary with Kathy Wiegand. And my heart breaks a little more each time. You’ll be OK. I don’t know how but I know you will. You have too many people on this side of the veil and on the other side encouraging you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had no idea Charlene. I respect their decision. Church is hard. It’s easier to sometimes avoid what we fear and can’t understand most. I cant imagine how that feels remembering all that each week. Or being asked. Life does throw us curve balls… Dosent it!?
      Just like me, you will be okay too. Our hearts will heal in time. Hugs and love!!

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  2. Olivia. I am so sorry for the infertility problems. I can relate but only on a small scale.I also had a hard time getting pregnant and when I did I miscarried. Then I was put on fertility pills and after the third cycle became pregnant. Then found out it was twins. Shocked and excited. At my 4 month ultrasound there was only one heartbeat. I had what they call a vanishing twin. So happy to still be pregnant but very sad and depressed for the loss.(Can you imagine two Cody’s?) Anyway when I got pregnant with Jake it was a total shock because I was on birth control. I have always felt Jake was a gift from God for Cody to have a brother for his twin that we lost. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are a great mother.Mallie and Brandon are lucky to have you . Hang in there girl.Love Debbie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had no idea! What in the world had done with 3 little Teddys?? LOL no, that a pretty rough story. Life is hard at times, but look at your beautiful family now 🙂 Thank you for the hugs! Hugs to you! We think the world of you and your family 🙂

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