THE WHY? THE WHAT? THE HOW?
Sometimes life is funny. Actually it’s hysterical. Honestly even making the big announcement, even though many of our close friends and family already know makes me feel extremely vulnerable, because what IF something does happen. Here I am- right where I was 6 years ago and even worse 2 years ago. Then, it’s hard to announce because I know my friends who are fighting the fertility battle and I am aware news like this is a punch to the gut.
Not even sure I really understand it, but some of my small minded explanations for the baby on the way:
Biology and Science actually worked. I don’t really need to go into details, right 😉
Somebody has a REALLY big sense of humor. You have to laugh. I JUST SWITCHED JOBS TO FURTHER MY CAREER. I DON’T THINK I EVEN GET MATERNITY LEAVE YET! So instead of crying about how this is all going to work, I’m laughing.
I believe a divine power has much to play with this, but I have other theories too. Theories that deeply religious folks won’t relate with and theories that atheists won’t agree with either. Theories that science might agree on and counselors would differ. I won’t delve into all those except, I know God loves me. I know he hears me. I know he hasn’t forgotten me, even when he and I never seem to be on the same page. Guess what? I picked up a wild card and we STILL aren’t on the same page. BUT—HERE I AM. 10 weeks pregnant with my second and praying fierce that this is really going to happen and that my heart won’t actually break with whatever outcome. Honestly, it MAY actually break IF something horrible happens. We’ve been told the baby is strong and the heartbeat is strong and with all this morning sickness, it sure sounds like this is a strong pregnancy, but there is always that IF.
We understand if you are in shock, because well we are too. The best word to explain it is: Surreal. I’ve been to the doctor every week for over a month. All of my doctors keep telling me the same. Even my former endocrinologist team at Wake Forest had the same response, “We are shocked. We have no explanation Olivia.” One doctor’s response was, ” You totally need to go buy a lottery ticket!”
There is no love stronger than your own for your children and no matter what I have been told, I know from my own Mother and Grandmother’s example: You love all your children the same. That will not change for me. I once heard my Mawmaw Sugars ( Long) when told she would be a great grandmother for the I don’t know 10th time, ” As long as we have love, all these babies will be just fine.” That’s my motto: As long as we have love, we will be just fine.
THE DREAM OF A SECOND.
I hope that many realize a dream for more than one child was something we gave up on 6 years ago and then truly buried it 2 years ago. Maybe you never wanted children, maybe you had 10 by randomness, but OUR (not just me, US/OUR/TOGETHER) plan had ALWAYS involved more than one child. I remember riding to Dairy Queen in Brandon’s Ford Ranger talking about kids. He wanted 5 then. He was crazy. I wanted 2- maybe 3? It has ALWAYS been in the plan. To give up on children that was incredibly hard. So, we didn’t. We did the adoption process, the foster process, the treatments and we waited long enough for the first. Giving up on having a second child completely, NOW that was hard. I had to mourn it fully for almost a year, before I actually accepted it. About two years ago, I went to a dark place that I was afraid that I wouldn’t come out of, but I did because I knew I had a child that needed me. I had to change my entire view on things, including the ideal of “children,” “working motherhood,” and my world view of “Molly Mormon” culture. A culture I refuse to conform to. #sorry #notsorry
MY FELLOW FERTILITY WARRIORS.
Don’t think I’ve forgotten my fertility warriors. I’m still praying that all my friends on the front line of the fertility battle. I have mourned with you, prayed for you, and love you because I know those deep desires of your heart. I KNOW that pain. I know that you will see my news and though you will offer a “Congrats!” you may find yourself- head over a sink heaving for strength. I get it. I’ve been there and I’ll go back there with you in a heartbeat, because you aren’t meant to do this alone. I do know how truly heartbroken you are that it didn’t happen for you. Also, I understand if you can’t talk to me or if you are mad at me, but know that if you need me, I’m there- always. I’ll get all the terrible jokes, the side punches, and the emotional roller coaster you are riding on constantly with no end in sight. It’s horrible. It’s not a joke and I don’t want you to have to ride alone, but please let me cheer for you and give you a thumbs up when you round the corner. Better yet, I’ll continue the ride with you- only if you will have me.
I hope that if you’ve buried your desire for parenthood that you will get a random what the heck why is this happening NOW? We hope that if you gave up hope- that maybe you can find hope in our crazy journey. God loves you. He hears you. If you are struggling, I promise I’ll come pull you out of the trench line of shots, emotional cries, your head over a sink praying for mercy, the days when the world seems to be pregnant and you aren’t, the days when you feel God has forsaken you- I’ll hold your hand and let you cry. No judgement. I’ll just be there for you. We understand it is confusing and hard to hear.
FOR OUR FAMILY.
We love you. We hope you will support us on this journey, but for some we realize change is hard. I have to say my Dad is so excited. Did I tell you he is adding a bedroom on to the new house he is building? This makes my heart happy. I know my Mom is thrilled too and I won’t abandon the thought that she has been involved in this scheme. She does have a sense of humor. She will also find someway to be at this new child’s birthday parties 🙂 Mostly, we believe in family and the power that family plays in the lives of a child is incredibly important.
We know it won’t be easy, but we know there is enough love for everyone.
In the meanwhile, please know we are holding our breath until this dream becomes reality and we don’t feel like we deserve it by any means, but we are enjoying the ride.
“Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it’s about collecting the scares to prove we showed up for it.”