Control freak. Yup, that’s my hand raised. I admit it. I’m a control freak. I plan my pee breaks people, so needless to say the past six or so months have been not planned AT ALL and ALL out of my control. And I’ve had a lot of unplanned pee breaks 😉 A lot of anxiety and nerves about the next chapter of our lives. They say once you have one, you might as well have ten, but I’m not a trusting person. I question that saying…..and I like to control my surroundings. Partly because as a kid, I think I had so many uncontrollable things with my mom’s illness, that I knew by studying, saying my prayers and going to church and doing all the routine things, were a way to keep my control. So, I like routine and what is coming next. I LOVE plans.
Out of my control, but in my control is my weight. Something that has been out of my control, but within my control with moderation of food and exercise. It’s just hard for me. I like to eat and I like cake. #shootme
Since I was a kid. I remember being 9 or 10 and realizing I was MUCH bigger than my peers. At 13, I remember the fat comments and of course at 16 I began this crazy starvation thing, where my Mom thought I was on the road to an eating disorder, and maybe I was? Not until lately, like the past year have I actually embraced my big ole’ self and decided to love it. Then guess what? I found out the most wonderful news, but that meant going back to my weight feeling out of my control again. I had worked so hard and I was really depressed about that, but knew it was worth it. When you are having a baby, that is one thing that is hard to control. You are either sick and can’t eat or want to eat the entire pizza. There is no happy medium or so it has been in my case. So, I’m embracing the new look and reminding myself this is all so temporary. I will never be a model and I don’t want to be, but I want to feel okay in my skin too. Selfish I’ve been told and even had heard that I don’t understand the want of a child, so get over it and gain the weight. Actually not in my case, I gladly gained enough weight in my first pregnancy to be another person….. or at least a very large school aged kiddo. Been there, done that. Just don’t want to repeat all those feelings….
……but I also attribute it back to the control thing. So many things are out of my control, that if it’s the one thing I can try to control, I do or at least try to refrain from another piece of pizza. #pizzaislife #seriously #notevenjoking #notthatcheappizza #goodpizza #yummypizza
Sidetracked with weight and pizza ( and now I’m starving- lol)- that is not what this post is about….
I have been praying and silently listening for God’s voice. He is there, but I have been asking and searching for an answer to a particular question.
A sweet friend that I really miss chatting with reached out to talk about a problem. She said “I just keep telling her to be still and to listen….” and it occurred to me that in my particular situation, I was doing all the talking to God and not the listening. I was listening to my friend and offering heartfelt words, but I wasn’t do much of the talking. I could actually hear what she was saying. I could hear her heart. Had I even given God a chance to answer my questions? Could he even hear my heart through all my talking?
So I stopped talking to him and asking the bazillion questions of how can I? How will I? Where is this going? Am I strong enough?
It’s been really quiet on both ends. The answer to this particular question has not come, nor may it ever come. Maybe this answer is a desire of my heart that is not part of his plan, but am I’m forcing my plans on God? Saying, listen, this is what I WANT….. and I haven’t actually been still enough to hear how he is guiding me. Probably so.
While I’ve been silent, I’ve let God have an opportunity to talk. The hardest part is the silence. My daughter and I, we just don’t do well. If you know my daughter, she talks all the time- it’s inherited. #blessherheart and so do I.
One thing I’ve noticed most from the silence is the love I feel. The love that I felt from my upbringing. The overwhelming love I have for our sweet Mallie. The way my love has grown, changed, and become stronger for my Brandon. The love I have for this new baby. The loving relationship I have with TUMS.
One thing I’ve also noticed is how much I still love my Mom. Maybe because I am a Mom and because I’m doing the Mom thing again. I think there is something about expecting that makes you need your Mom or love your Mom more. It’s been so many years, that I wonder even how my relationship would be with her today. Would it be as it was in 2006? Would she approve of how I’m living and “adulting” in my life. (Side note- You really do feel lost and orphaned when you lose a parent. It’s not because the other parent doesn’t love you and isn’t supporting you, it’s because you both are grieving and restructuring your life to function without the person you lost. It’s deliberating and sometimes everything else falls by the wayside and there you are stranded as a orphan might feel in certain moments- for me mostly it’s been during learning how to be a mother.)
The biggest thing I’ve noticed is that even with all the crazy with my maternity leave status and that I HAVE to make it working past March 1st, the insurance issues, the way I’m worried about my daughter during the transition, another c-section???? NO… just NO, I’m terrified of that pain again!!!— the past few rough months we’ve had in way of sickness, the way I see my husband stress over his work load or his family duties, or the way we worry about doing and being enough for our extended families,— that all has sorta taken a back burner. God has sent me peace that it’s all going to be okay, but I didn’t understand how it was going to be okay. Me, I just can’t take that peace and be happy with it. I have to push the limits– always.
I was looking out the window at the house that my Dad is building behind our home. He says his “final home” and I sure hope, because I don’t want him to move away from me. My favorite part of my day- getting to eat dinner together on a random Tuesday. This day, I was listening to Mallie practice her reading. I silently started the talking again and asked,
“How is it going to be okay? How am I going to have enough time? Is she going to know that I still love her JUST as much as this baby? Will I ever be able to talk to my husband as an adult again? Will we be able to go to the movies ever again? How will I be able to work full-time, take care of the children, show them what a strong woman is, and keep up with small business duties… and be able to shower? How? Just how?” ……
This morning, it started to snow. I was looking out the same window from the other day. Mallie was still asleep. The house was perfectly quiet and still. I was admiring the beauty of the small snowflakes. Just as it started to become lighter outside, I noticed the beam on the top of the new construction. That beam had not been there last week, but they ( Dad and Clayton and Rusty) had raised it and placed the beam. I knew they had been planning and waiting for a good weather day to do so. How had I not noticed? That’s a really big deal! One step closer to getting it under roof. How had my Dad not said they put it up there? Wait, had he told me? But in that moment — a still silent beautiful peaceful morning…. the words were so loud. Deafening loud.
There is always a set of plans, but sometimes it takes longer to put the beam up than the builder had thought. Sometimes it rains, and sometimes it snows, sometimes sickness happens, and sometimes you just need to take a vacation, and other times you decide to put a cathedral ceiling in the master bedroom and have to rework how the beam is placed.
You can’t build the trusses without the beam. Trust the plans and trust the builder. The builder may take a while, but the builder is working. He is studying those plans. He is working when you can’t see him working. His mind is churning the figures, the height, the way it will effect the roof line, the way it will shift the weight of the home. He is collaborating to put the beam in place and when it’s there, you wont even notice it was built and made sturdy because it’s as though its been there forever. It’s mere placement took over all the extra weight and stress of the house.
So I stared at that beam and the snowflakes falling fast. Tears rolled down my cheek and I said loudly back, ” I hear you. You are the builder and I promise I trust you. Your time table has always been perfect”